Is It Too Late?

I was sitting in the car with the hubby, quiet and pondering. I was thinking about my sister. I am the eldest of 6 and my sister is second in line, being three years younger than I. We shared one room until I graduated high school and I feel like that unfortunate situation hindered the growth of our relationship.
I imagine me, the big sister, as being the mentor and an open door. I expect her to know that I am always here to talk and I would imagine her coming to me first when pressed with an issue or just board and needs someone to talk to. I imagine that we appreciate each other's company so much that even when away we continue communication by phone or facebook. I imagine me facilitating her growth as a young lady and as an individual by pushing her to her limits and encouraging her to do better, while loving her with a love that only a sister could give. I imagine her telling her friends about a proverb that I shared with her when they are in a similar situation. I imagine many things. But I fear it’s just too late to realize these imaginations.
I look around and see glimpses of this type of sisterly relationship and I want that type of relationship with her too. Don’t get me wrong though, my sister and I love each other and I would do anything to protect her but there is a barrier between us that, I feel, does not allow us to achieve that ultimate level of relationship.
Sharing a room with her was horrible, especially when we got older. We were just two different people and I was always at her throat. I could not stand her mannerisms or her cleanliness. One day, I was so sick of it that I threw all her clothes that were on the floor over the staircase and onto the living room floor. We almost got into a fight until my mom stepped in. I feel that all this animosity towards her kept me from even wanting to build a relationship with her. What is really funny is that we became closer when I moved out and came to LMU.
I don’t know, maybe I am the one who is setting this barrier. Being the eldest of so many kids, with a father who was an expert at the disappearing act, I always assumed the role as the second parent when my mom was at work. That was my job, “take care of your brothers and sisters”. I believe this mentality also lead to disabling my sibling instinct and funneled me into this predicament I currently find myself in.
Life is a one shot deal and your experiences shape who you are and what you become. It is also very eventful and from every event there is a lesson learned. When it is my time to raise a family I have already put my kids and myself at an advantage by marrying someone who is faithful, reliable, and committed. Through my experience, I have learned that once a child is old enough to be in their own room it is necessary for that to be done. I wouldn’t want to possibly put my child through the same things that I went through. Even though I feel as though this might just be how things will be from here on between my sister and I, there is still something inside that tells me that it is never too late. So, I think I’ll take my second shot at this relationship.